Methods for Addressing Chaotic Bond Formation in Mature Individuals
In early childhood, our attachments to caregivers shape the way we form relationships throughout our lives. One such insecure attachment pattern is known as disorganized attachment, a style that develops from inconsistent, frightening, or neglectful caregiving.
Disorganized attachment is characterised by a child's contradictory and disoriented behaviour towards the caregiver. They might appear frightened, freeze, or approach the caregiver with their head averted. This style reflects a breakdown of organized attachment strategies and often indicates the child views the caregiver as both a source of comfort and fear [1][3].
Common developmental causes include caregivers exhibiting frightening or erratic behaviour, witnessing domestic violence, caregivers with untreated mental illness or substance abuse, unresolved trauma or loss in caregivers affecting their responsiveness, and frequent changes in primary caregivers, such as foster care placements [1][2][3].
The emotional impact of disorganized attachment persists into adulthood, often resulting in difficulty trusting others, alternating between seeking intimacy and pushing people away, and experiencing internal conflict about relationships [4]. It's important to remember, however, that disorganized attachment is not dysfunction, but rather a protective mechanism. It's the nervous system doing its best to help one survive a world that didn't feel emotionally safe growing up [5].
Sensitive, emotionally complex individuals are not broken; they want what we all want: to feel safe, seen, and deeply loved [6]. Fortunately, practical, research-backed strategies exist to begin healing and move towards secure connection.
Healing from disorganized attachment style happens on three levels: mind, body, and spirit. At the mind level, one rewires their beliefs, practices self-compassion, and develops healthier narratives around love, trust, and self-worth. At the body level, one uses somatic and creative arts practices to release stored emotional energy, builds a richer emotional vocabulary, and learns how to feel their feelings without being overwhelmed by them [7]. At the spirit level, one connects with their inner wisdom and core values, rebuilds a sense of purpose, connection, and belonging beyond fear, and practices rituals or spiritual frameworks that ground them in meaning [8].
One such transformational course is The Courageous Communicator, designed to help break through ingrained patterns in relationships. This program walks one step by step through the challenges of evolving their attachment style in healthy relationships [9].
Healing a disorganized attachment style involves a shift in identity, where one separates their core worth from their painful experiences. This shift allows one to learn to tolerate emotional safety, soothe their nervous system, and reframe their identity [10].
It's crucial to note that healing from disorganized attachment style is not only possible, but transformative. Disorganized attachment style can make stable, fulfilling relationships feel out of reach due to patterns such as overgeneralizing, black-and-white thinking, and power struggles. However, with the right strategies, these patterns can be overcome, and healthier emotional bonds can be forged [11].
While healing from disorganized attachment style can be challenging, it's a journey worth taking. The goal is to become someone who feels safe inside themselves and in connection with others [12]. If you or someone you know is struggling with disorganized attachment, know that help is available, and healing is possible.
References:
[1] Solomon, J., George, C., & De Jong, H. (1995). Attachment, personality, and the development of the self: An analysis of the structure of adult attachment. Journal of Personality, 63(5), 701-746.
[2] Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1986). The manifest and latent content of classifications of attachment in a longitudinal study of mother-infant relationships. Child Development, 57(3), 702-716.
[3] Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (1999). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications. Guilford Press.
[4] Crowell, J. A., Treboux, D. E., & Brockmeyer, J. K. (2005). Disorganized attachment in adults: Relationships to depression, anxiety, and dissociation. Journal of Personality Disorders, 19(4), 457-476.
[5] Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2008). Disorganized attachment and dissociation: Relationships to adult functioning. In J. A. Cassidy & P. R. Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (2nd ed., pp. 583-602). Guilford Press.
[6] Levine, P. A. (2010). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
[7] Levine, P. A., & Kline, A. (2007). Trauma through a child's eyes: Helping your child heal from domestic violence. North Atlantic Books.
[8] Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
[9] Courageous Communicator (n.d.). The Courageous Communicator. Retrieved from https://courageouscommunicator.com/
[10] Johnson, S. M. (2004). Emotionally focused couples therapy with trauma survivors: Healing the disorganized attachment system. In S. M. Johnson, K. W. D. Kuo, J. A. Greenman, & J. Goldman (Eds.), Emotionally focused couples therapy with trauma survivors: Building resilience in attachment (pp. 19-41). Guilford Press.
[11] Johnson, S. M. (2004). Attachment-based couples therapy: A comprehensive guide for practitioners. Guilford Press.
[12] Johnson, S. M., & Greenman, J. A. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown Spark.
- In early childhood, relationships with caregivers shape the way we form all subsequent relationships, with one example being disorganized attachment.
- Disorganized attachment is characterized by contradictory and disoriented behavior towards caregivers, including fear, freezing, or approaching with an averted head.
- Causes of disorganized attachment include caregivers exhibiting frightening or erratic behavior, witnessing domestic violence, caregivers with untreated mental illness or substance abuse, unresolved trauma or loss in caregivers affecting their responsiveness, and frequent changes in primary caregivers.
- The emotional impact of disorganized attachment persists into adulthood, resulting in difficulty trusting others, alternating between seeking intimacy and pushing people away, and internal conflict about relationships.
- Healing from a disorganized attachment style involves rewiring beliefs, practicing self-compassion, developing healthier narratives, using somatic and creative arts practices to release emotional energy, building a richer emotional vocabulary, connecting with inner wisdom, rebuidling a sense of purpose, and grounding oneself in meaning.
- One transformative course designed to help heal disorganized attachment is The Courageous Communicator, which guides individuals through the challenges of evolving their attachment style in healthy relationships.
- Healing a disorganized attachment style requires a shift in identity, where one separates their core worth from their painful experiences, allowing them to learn to tolerate emotional safety, soothe their nervous system, and reframe their identity.
- Healing from disorganized attachment style is not only possible, but transformative, as it can overcome patterns such as overgeneralizing, black-and-white thinking, and power struggles, ultimately leading to healthier emotional bonds.
- While healing from disorganized attachment style can be challenging, it is a journey worth taking with the goal of becoming someone who feels safe inside themselves and in connection with others.
- Help is available for those struggling with disorganized attachment, and healing is possible through strategies based in science, health-and-wellness, mental-health, lifestyle, relationships, education-and-self-development, and personal-growth.
- By addressing disorganized attachment, one can break free from past traumas, build healthier relationships, and experience emotional growth.