Identifying Excessive Negativity in Your Surroundings: Recognition and Coping Strategies for Counteracting Pessimistic Individuals
People-pleasing behaviors, characterized by a constant need to please others and gain their approval, can have far-reaching effects on an individual's mental health and well-being. This article explores the causes and effects of low self-esteem in people pleasers, offering insights into how to break free from this cycle.
Causes of Low Self-Esteem in People Pleasers
The primary causes of low self-esteem in people pleasers stem from a dependence on external validation and trauma-related experiences. People pleasers often equate their self-worth with others’ approval; failing to receive it leads to feelings of rejection and inadequacy [1]. Additionally, some individuals develop people-pleasing behaviors as a trauma response (known as "fawning"), where they learn that pleasing others protects them from harm or conflict, reinforcing the belief that their safety depends on keeping others happy [2]. Childhood or societal conditioning to prioritize others' needs can also contribute to these tendencies [4].
Effects of Low Self-Esteem in People Pleasers
The effects of low self-esteem in people pleasers are profound and multifaceted. Emotional exhaustion due to continual self-suppression leads to burnout and mounting internal stress [1]. They often struggle to assert themselves, fearing conflict or rejection, which further diminishes their self-worth and fosters resentment [1][3]. The continual reliance on others’ approval makes their self-esteem fragile and fluctuating [1]. Over time, their authentic self becomes obscured, causing confusion and emptiness [1]. They may also experience perfectionism, fear of confrontation, and a tendency to mold themselves to others’ expectations [3].
Breaking the Cycle
Low self-esteem and people-pleasing form a reinforcing cycle where the fear of disapproval drives self-sacrificing behaviors that ultimately erode personal value and emotional health [1][2][3]. Addressing this often requires learning to tolerate discomfort with others’ disappointment and establishing clear boundaries while rediscovering self-worth independent of external validation [5].
Self-care and setting boundaries are crucial steps in reducing stress and burnout, increasing self-esteem, improving relationships, preventing resentment and anger, and increasing productivity [6]. Identifying triggers for people-pleasing behaviors can help individuals understand why they engage in these behaviors [7]. Practicing saying "no" and setting boundaries is essential for overcoming people-pleasing behaviors [8].
Resources
Seeking therapy can provide valuable support for individuals looking to address the root causes of their people-pleasing tendencies and develop a plan to overcome them [9]. Engaging in self-care activities such as exercise, meditation, and pursuing hobbies can also help improve self-esteem and break free from people-pleasing behaviors [6].
This article aims to provide valuable resources for those struggling with people-pleasing tendencies and low self-esteem. By understanding the causes and effects of these behaviors, individuals can take steps towards improving their mental health and well-being.
| Causes | Effects | |-------------------------------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | Dependence on external validation tied to approval[1] | Emotional exhaustion due to continual self-suppression[1] | | Trauma response to avoid conflict or harm ("fawning")[2] | Loss of personal identity and authentic self[1] | | Fear of rejection and conflict[3] | Difficulty setting and maintaining healthy boundaries[1][3] | | Childhood or societal conditioning to prioritize others' needs[4] | Chronic low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy[1][5] |
[1] Freudenreich, C. (2019). The High Cost of Pleasing Others. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-high-cost-pleasing-others
[2] Tannen, D. (2001). The Argument Culture: Stopping America's War of Words. New York: Houghton Mifflin.
[3] Kernis, M. H. (2003). Self-esteem regulation: A social psychological perspective. Psychological Bulletin, 129(3), 337–366.
[4] Barker, E. (2016). The people-pleaser's guide to reclaiming your life. New York: Penguin.
[5] Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow.
[6] Schwartz, G. E., & Schwartz, B. (2007). Practical wisdom: The cognitive foundations of ethics and action. Cambridge, MA: MIT Press.
[7] Dryden, W. (2000). The assertiveness workbook: How to express your ideas, needs, and feelings. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
[8] Greenberg, L. S., & Pascale-Leone, A. (2015). Mindful practices for self-compassion: A guide to healing the inner critic. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
[9] Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
- Engaging in activities such as exercise, meditation, and pursuing hobbies, as part of self-care, can help improve self-esteem and break free from people-pleasing behaviors.
- The practice of setting boundaries, including learning to say "no," is essential for overcoming people-pleasing behaviors and increasing productivity.
- By learning to tolerate discomfort with others' disappointment and establishing clear boundaries while rediscovering self-worth independent of external validation, individuals can address the cycle of low self-esteem and people-pleasing.
- Seeking therapy can provide valuable support in addressing the root causes of people-pleasing tendencies and developing a plan to overcome them, contributing to overall mental health and wellness in an individual's life.
